Today, I’m excited to share what my dear sister-friend, Mariaelena Mwangi, has written from the heart about overcoming so many trials in her life. The grief of suffering miscarriages is one of the experiences she tells us about. But the wonderful result of each of her heart-wrenching encounters with grief is that she overcame and is choosing to live life victoriously with joy.
Are You Moving On or Moving Forward?
When someone said to me, “You need to move on”, the answer I wanted to give was, “So, why don’t I start moving on by punching you in the face?” But, that is not something a good Christian woman could say, at least not out loud (eye roll).
Recently, my son and I were talking about my weight journey. He asked if I was a big girl in high school. When I thought about it, I answered, “Well, I thought I was, but I was about a size smaller than I am right now”. He then asked “So, when did you get big, Mom?” When I really thought about it, it was after my first miscarriage at age 19.
Move on from Miscarriage?
I had just moved to Arizona from California so my fiancé and I could start our lives together. That didn’t work out so well and we called off our wedding. When I told him that I was pregnant, he said he could care less. I ended up alone and pregnant at age 19. Then the miscarriage happened. I remember being so relieved that I lost that baby. I remember wanting it validated, wanting to hear the doctor tell me that I did in fact lose a baby. That that baby was gone. I remember crying tears of sadness and yet utter relief.
The doctor told me that no D&C was needed, that the baby was “complete”. I asked, “What do I do now?” He said, “Your job is to move on.” I thought, “Ok, what the heck does that mean?” No counseling was offered, no pamphlet given, nothing! Just for me to move on. I did not know what grief was. I grew up in a family that mostly answered difficult issues with “Just give it to God.” There was no one I could not talk to about how sad I was and I was confused about feeling glad that “the problem” was gone at the same time. I did not have friends in Arizona yet, I had only lived here for 6 months. My only friend that brought me comfort and was always there for me was FOOD!
Moving on from Violence?
In 2000 a friend of mine was murdered at work. A man was waiting in the bushes to carjack someone and she pulled up in front of my car as I went for a last minute cigarette break that ended up saving my life. Had it not been Sandy, it would have been me just a few moments later. As I held her in my arms as she died, I remember thinking I was so glad it was not me but so sad it was her. Again, no counseling, no talk of grief by anyone. Plus, only people with “real” problems went to counseling. As a Christian, I just needed to give it to God, whatever that meant. I stuffed the feelings away.
I remember a cousin asking me to go someplace and I declined. She asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was sad and scared to go out at night since Sandy’s death. She said “Oh my God, that was like a month ago, you need to get over that and move on! She died, you didn’t.” I remember thinking, I must be going crazy! What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just move on? Food again was my constant, my friend who was always there for me. I stuffed the feelings away and my face with food.
Moving on from Endometriosis and Fear?
Three years later I met the man of my dreams, had gastric bypass surgery, and got married! I went from 315 lbs. to 165 lbs. and we started our Happily Ever After! Or so we thought. I could no longer eat my feelings since my stomach was now tiny due to the surgery. Even so, I still often overate and would be miserably sick in the bathroom. But hey! I looked amazing! We found out we were pregnant and I was finally living the dream. That dream ended up a bloody mess on our bathroom floor. Again, I was told to move on and just to keep trying for another one. They made it seem like that baby did not matter, just get another one! Simple right? More feelings/grief stuffed away. After our next miscarriage, we were told we might not be able to have the family we wanted. The endometriosis was not going to allow me to hold a baby to term. More feelings stuffed away.
I was a complete failure as a woman, my only function different from my husbands was my ability to have a baby and I could not do that one thing! More feelings stuffed away. We did start the adoption process and found out we were pregnant again. It was a traumatic, fear-based pregnancy. I was in and out of the hospital and ultimately on bed rest. Our baby boy was born via emergency C-Section on July 4th. More feelings, fear and trauma stuffed away. Just as I was getting my body back and blood levels normal again, we were blessed with our second baby boy on July 1st two years later, again by an emergency C-Section. More feelings, fear and trauma stuffed away.
Moving on from Widowhood?
Ken and I had two amazing boys, a cute dog, and we drove a minivan. Ok, now we were living the American dream, right? We were about to celebrate our 13-year wedding anniversary on May 5th. On May 1st, Ken had a stroke and died on May 17th. I was 41 years old and a widowed mom of a 7- & 9-year-old. What the heck was I supposed to do now? My focus was my boys and their mental health. By July 1st, I moved us from Texas back to Arizona to live close to my mom and family. Ken had been the primary parent; he was a very hands-on daddy. I worked weddings and events, so I was at work most weekends. My poor babies also lost the only home my youngest remembers living in, the school family that my boys started pre-K at, all the friends that came over daily as we were “that house” on the block that all the kids came to play at.
I was at work a week after Ken’s funeral closing out my job, packing our home, and dealing with things the only way I knew how– I DIDN’T! I got busy with “work mode” and devoured glasses of wine that easily turned into bottles then boxes of wine. Stuffing away the feelings and grief.
Poof, our life looked nothing like it did just a month and a half before. Nothing was recognizable. We went from a 3000 square foot house to two bedrooms in my aunt’s house in Arizona. We started family grief group counseling and I had the boys in weekly individual counseling. My focus was my boys and I put all my “feelings” in my pocket throughout the day and let wine deal with those feelings later at night. Wine was my new BFF since food was not really on table so much after gastric bypass.
One drunken night my uncle made some moves on me that were not appropriate. I swore I would take this to my grave. When I did finally tell my mom, I opened Pandora’s box. My family flipped the script on me. I really did think I would have support, but instead they blamed me, shamed me, threw my drinking at my face and decided the family was better off without me in it. So, the people I moved to Arizona to be with were gone. Ken had been gone a year and now I lost what seemed like everyone. More feelings, grief, and rejection heightened the drinking and I was on a spiral in the wrong direction. For two years I drank wine to pass out at night, to not feel the pain I felt. I sucked it up in my attempt to just “move on”.
Moving on or Moving Forward?
I HATE the phrase “move on”! It is like those words somehow dismiss the person or the experience. For me, it is no different than saying “Get over it” Each pregnancy, each miscarriage, each death has defined the person that I am today. You never “move on” from these experiences and relationships, but you do, however push forward with them.
I am now just over 2 years sober (Whoot! Whoot!) and I am dealing with all those feelings that I used to put in my pocket. The 12 steps of sobriety opened my eyes to all the experiences and grief that I tried to move on from instead of pushing forward with. I was faced with no outlet for these feelings without wine or food, so I had to finally deal with them. With the help of counseling, widow support groups, church, friends and AA, I am learning how push forward. I now feel the, as I call them ,“Freakin feelings”. That is not always the language that I use, but this is Evangeline’s blog and I would not want to cuss on her page.😊 I am like the Christian comedian Anjelah Johnson who says, “I love me some Jesus, but I will cut you” LOL . It is part of my charm. That is my story and I am sticking to it! But I digress…
Moving FORWARD!
I am not the woman I was 4 ½ years ago when I got the title “widow”, and I am not the woman I was 2 years ago when I admitted I was an alcoholic and I had a problem. Oh, the SHAME in that! It is like I was going to forever wear a scarlet letter. It should not be, but it is. Funny, because people feel comfortable saying “let’s not talk politics or religion” but, will not even utter the words sobriety, infertility, miscarriage, death, eating disorder, “me too” or mental health. It is an unspoken rule that we do not talk about these topics. Well, that needs to change! I wish I knew I was not alone when I had my struggles with trying to become a mommy. I cannot change my past nor can I change my story. I can only push forward and help as many people as possible along with way.
The more truth I share about my experiences, the more people reach out to me saying that they were struggling with the same. We need to put a new face on the stigmas, we need to take the shame out of peoples struggles. We must start with ourselves and stop the gossip and shaming of women. Fix your sister’s crown, do not stomp on it.
I think a mental check up should be as common as a pap smear. Currently, I am in therapy, AA, have a wonderful fiancé and a group of sister-friends that keep me in check and hold me accountable. I by no means have it all figured out, but I am doing my best in pushing forward, feeling the freakin feelings, and staying sober. COVID sure shook that up for me!
Moving Forward with Joy
My boys and I do our best to live in each moment, be present with each other and enjoy life. Joy is truly a choice that I have to make daily as I know my attitude towards life is what my boys will remember and mimic in their own lives.
So, do not try to move on from what has hurt you or caused you grief. Take it, hold it, feel it, sit with it for a while, decide what you want to learn from it and then push forward with the lesson. Accept the new you it has created and push yourself to move forward, stronger and better for having made it through it all.
Mariaelena Mwangi is co-author of the Conceived by Grace Pregnancy Journal, a faith-based, no-fear journal. It was written for the women she’s passionate about helping– those who are pregnant and afraid.
